Baby Blues

The baby blues hit me like a ton of bricks while I was in the hospital and when I left the hospital. I cried everyday for about two weeks after Parker was born. When I first came home from the hospital I felt like I was a bad mom. I was in so much pain from having a c-section that I couldn't care for my baby like I needed to without having help from anyone. I do appreciate the fact that I did have a lot of help from my boyfriend and my mom however I've been an independent person throughout all of my adult life so it was very hard for me to be okay with the fact that I did need a lot of help. After childbirth you're expected to take it easy for a few weeks. Meaning don't lift anything heavier than the baby, don't walk up and down stairs etc. After having a c-section you're physically incapable of doing most things. I literally needed help with everything including cleaning bottles, doing laundry, cleaning my apartment, cooking, grocery shopping and anything else that didn't involve sitting on the couch. This was hard for me because I'm a self diagnosed person with OCD so seeing things out of place in my apartment pissed me off. I hated that my baby's things were being rearranged in places that I did not approve of. I hated that I couldn't bend down to pick things up from off of the floor. I'm pretty sure I cried every time I dropped the remote on the floor. I really needed people to do things for me that I normally do myself without any issues. 

Also, being in the house everyday sucked. It sucked a whole lot. Thank God I was able to drive after 4 weeks. 

I felt like a bad mom because I was having a hard time figuring out what my baby needed. It killed me that my boyfriend was "super dad" and I was "lazy mom" pretty much. I felt like a bad mom because I gave up breastfeeding after only 2 weeks. I wasn't producing enough milk so this meant that I had to attempt to breastfeed my baby, then pump milk for 30 minutes to a hour. How could I possibly sleep while my baby is sleep if I had to pump milk? I felt mentally drained everytime I had to pump milk especially during the night. I decided to stop breastfeeding because I wasn't getting enough sleep and I was in too much pain from my c-section. I wasn't eating anything during this time because 1. I didn't have time to and 2. I didn't have an appetite anyways. This put me in a really bad mood and I felt I would be a better mother to my baby if I gave up breastfeeding completely.  

None of these things had anything to do with my baby. All of these issues I had were about me having to release the control that I wanted to have but couldn't have during this time. These days I find that parenting is going very well. I'm becoming a pro at taking care of a baby if I do say so myself. Once I got over the baby blues that came from not being able to do things myself because I had to let my body recover from a major surgery I started to enjoy every aspect of motherhood and I love it.